Since I’ve recently given up sex, I figured Guacamole would satisfy my craving for something creamy and high in protein. Within walking distance of my apartment in Va/HI there are numerous guacamole options, and I tried 7 of them in two weekends:

• Chipotle
• Moe’s
• Qdoba Mexican Grill
• El Azteca
• Whole Foods Market Brand
• The Righteous Room
• La Fonda Latina

• Sorry folks I was too lazy to walk over to LFP to try El Myr

I was looking for guacamole that what was as good as my friend Witchy Woman’s guacamole. It had to have a chunky texture, it had to taste fresh, and if it had some tomatoes, onions and lime and was served to me on a salty fresh tortilla chip then I’d be in Guacamole Heaven.

I wanted to hate the corporate brands – Chipotle, Moe’s,Qdoba Mexican Grill – simply because theyíre corporate, but Chipotle had a fresh flavor, a good texture and was cheap. If they had better chips it would have been the winner. And at $1.75, Iíll walk down there anytime Iím missing that ëole creamy protein fix (Sorry ìDr. Love Bastardî). Qdoba Mexican Grill was decent, but not good enough to make me walk the 2 miles to get it again. Moe’s – home of the best chips ñ had a great texture, but didnít taste all that fresh. By the time I finished it, my craving for guacamole was also done.

I didn’t quite get to Guacamole heaven at La Fonda Latina but it was at least guacamole purgatory. I was satisfied after eating it, but was still waiting for some heavenly guacamole. And when you get charged an extra dollar for stale chips ñ I say fogaddebatit. Iíd rather walk down to Chipotle, and get twice as much for the same price.

Whole Foods Market Brand had the texture of baby food and when guacamole already has the color of hurl, do you really want it to have that runny texture as well? Surprisingly, it lacks depth of flavor. I expected that since it was from Whole Foods that it would at least have some spices thrown in. Yeah, no.

And speaking of runny guacamoleÖ thereís a reason why I like my guacamole to be chunky: When surly servers bring me runny guacamole, my first thought is: “Did they put something in it? And if they did, Iíll never be able to tell.”

Thatís how I felt as I got my order of guacamole from El Azteca. The server gave me a smile that said “I put a little something extra in ya guac.” Though it didnít scare me from eating the guacamole I still at it (with unsalted chips – what up wit dat?), but with fear. Guacamole should be shoveled down with gustoÖ

Closest to that tart, creamy, texture of my friend Witchy Woman’s Guacamole was The Righteous Room‘s version. I know, guac from a bar. But let me tell you – wow. I think I ate the entire serving on about 5 chips. Not because there weren’t enough chips, but because I ate some of it without chips. It’s that good. And to think I thought they only made good burgers.

After trying all the rest, I’ll provide you with the recipe for the best:

BEWITCHING GUACOMOLE… IT’LL PUT A SPELL ON YOU

…depending on how much you want use one to two avocados (try to get one really ripe and one slightly harder that way to add some good texture) and then add one squeezed lime to start with but have another so that after you mix in all the other ingredients you can slowly add more until you think it has enough citrus. Use half to a whole tomato depending on how big, some diced red onions, lots of salt and pepper with a healthy amount of garlic. Just stir this all together and then let sit for an hour or so to let it marinate all the spices (but lets be honest, no one is really going to wait an hour). If for some reason you want the texture to be creamier, or if you put in to much lime or salt and you need to tone down the flavor just mix in a spoonful of Sour-cream.

– Recipe courtesy of Witchy Woman

Next time: In Search of… Fresh Brewed Coffee