That’s right y’all. The internet turns 35 today.

And my eldest daughter Genevieve is 9 today! Happy birthday, sweetheart!!(Sorry y’all, but it’s one of my babies, I had to.)

But it’s hard for me to not notice, on a personal level, that in just over 2 months I will be two years older than the freaking internet. Ew.

And now for something completely different…you know those tunnels on GA 400? If you live here right now you probably do. As you drive south on 400, about a mile after the toll station, you enter tunnels that run directly under some Buckhead business towers.

It’s purely an observation, but I’ve decided the following things are a bit creepy in this post 9/11 world where these tunnels are concerned-the fact that they have signs posted prominently to let us know the following;

• You can’t stop there.
• You can’t honk your horn.

About the second…what the f**k? What the hell good is a tunnel with no aimless, mindless horn-honking? Southern or not, it’s not like Atlanta’s always THAT polite a place to be. One must expect a wee bit of horn honking in a city of 4 million filled with Yankee transplants. Dang y’all, growing up I thought it was a rule that you DID honk your horn in a tunnel.

About the first, I see the point-these tunnels are under some major Buckhead towers. I would hate to see the conniption an abandoned Ryder truck pulled to the side in one of those tunnels might cause.

Then it occurs to me, this is Georgia G****amn 400 we’re talking about. When is there NOT a jam on this lovely stretch of road somewhere. Am I subject to arrest if I’m stuck behind you, because you’re stuck behind them, because….

And then again, maybe I’m just thinking too hard.

On a final, further disjointed note, because this is a very disjointed entry, I must ream the AJC. The lovely and under-appreciated Atlanta Journal Constitution.

Okay, so they’re not under-appreciated. So when they hound you for a subscription via phone and you even pointedly, rudely tell the mindless rep who can barely believe they got broken out of reading their pre-prepared spiel laminated there in front of them that you want to be TAKEN OFF THEIR CALL LIST and they still call, you get a little pissed-so what?

Have you noticed that big white paper band they put around the copies that sell at stores now?

Are you smarter than me? I’m reckoning 99.9% of you will nod yes to this. Because if you knew that little white band is their sneaky way of trying to ensure you buy TWO, count ’em, two of their already ludicrously overpriced Sunday butt-wiping worthy spewings, if you knew that, chief, you are smarter than me.

It took Rufus down at the Kroger out toward Marietta, (forgive me, dude, I’m sure your name wasn’t Rufus,) telling me, “Hey, did you know that was two papers?” to clue me in. Seething at even buying one, I gingerly slid the other out and headed to my car, teeth grinding at the beloved AJC’s passive-aggressive marketing ploy. How many Yuppies in too big a hurry buying their Sunday donuts does the AJC swindle this way on a daily basis? I take that back-they’re really after the shmoes like me who have 3 kids and a wife at home and therefore can never leave the store with less than 4 bags worth of stuff. Many of us in a big enough hurry will grab that big bundle of paper and maybe note that it seems awful heavy, even for the Sunday AJC, but not think about it any further than that. How many unwittingly toss that receipt aside with the extra $2.50 the AJC just conned out of you unnoticed?

Okay.

*Deep breath.*

Thanks again, Rufus. You don’t know how many exotic birds you deprived of good quality paper today.